Men run...even if they’re in love

He may be madly in love with you but he has one foot out the door ready to run if you so much as mention the word “wedding”. Trust me on this; the perfect wedding you’ve been planning with your girlfriends since you were 16, complete with the Htama Thein (court bridal costume), a scarf trailing eight yards behind you, all aglitter with tiny sequins, beads and pearls, and your perfect makeup applied by the most famous and campy “Mummy” beautician around, is a frightening concept to him. Instead, let your mother and aunts and sister and cousins and all your meddling neighbours bring out the big guns. They can bring up the idea with his parents over tea, while you just sit there smiling demurely as if a 700-guest four-hour-long wedding at the Sedona is really not your idea.

Sport is an escape...let him go, but on a long leash

Ignoring you while he’s rooted in front of the TV watching the World Cup? The tournament only comes around once every four years, so let it ride and take advantage of the situation to go shopping (‘til you drop). He’ll be too busy cheering on his team to notice … for once … all the bags you bring home. Is golf taking him away at weekends? By no means take up the game yourself. Give him some space. It’s better than if he were to go out nightly to karaoke bars, right? But do make friends with the wives of his golf buddies - so you can cross-check alibis together. You could also make friends with the wives of the other golfers who play at the same course just in case he and his buddies cover up for each other. But be discreet.

Going places: You will get there eventually no matter how many wrong turns he takes

Don’t be a back seat driver — even if he’s been going in the wrong direction for the past 10 miles. This is really a test of your ability to grit your teeth and not growl at him. Keeping a demure smile permanently plastered on your face while he is driving is even better (you know you can follow a map much better than he can, but there is no need to rub it in). Their abhorrence for asking directions is extreme and it’s hardwired into their brains. God works in mysterious ways, but this quirk takes the cake. I hope men are not created in His image in this aspect or we’re screwed.

Don’t ask him to buy gifts for you

Shopping for women is sheer torture for all males. If he does go shopping for you, it’s more than likely you’ll be stuck with something you hate but are obliged to wear or use. It’s the rare man who has a good eye for fashion. Then again, they could all just be faking that they have no taste in order to avoid the chore. So, let it blow up in his face by buying his gifts to you yourself (using his money, of course) and then tell him, “Look what you bought me for my birthday!” And don’t hassle him for forgetting, especially if you bought yourself a diamond ring. If he is going abroad, give him a specific list of items you want, such as perfume (include the name, the brand and even the size of the bottle you want, and be clear that you do not want a a counterfeit version, even if it is much cheaper and smells exactly the same — to him), rather than asking him to bring you back a sweater. You have no idea what fluffy pink horrors he could find.

Look, there is no escaping it: Men are aliens

Reflect on how you reason, what you like and how you understand certain situations, then take the opposite of that: That is how men think. Don’t try to change them. Examine your own specimen closely, know his moves and then work out how you can use them to your advantage. Meanwhile, treat him like a human being. Buy another TV and DVD for yourself and let him hog his as much as he wants. Learn to coo. Feed the beast. And master the vital keys of interaction: These aliens can never have enough of your TLC and bare-faced lyin’ flattery.