A HUSBAND, proud of his son’s scholastic achievements, was boasting to his wife.
Husband: “My son got his brains from me.”
Wife: “That’s for sure. I still have all of mine intact.”

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Son: “Father, why do they call our language our “mother tongue?”
Father: “That must be because mothers give fathers so little chance to use it.”

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A group of young children called up to a friend on the balcony of a second floor apartment.
“Hey Su Su, come on down and play with us.”
“I can’t just yet.”
“Why not?”
“Because as soon as I leave him my father will stop doing my homework for me.”

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An elephant from a visiting circus escaped. Not long afterwards, a short-sighted old lady who had never seen an elephant before and didn’t know one end of an elephant from the other phoned up the police station.
“Oh! Please come quickly; there is an enormous animal in my kitchen garden pulling up all of the vegetables with its long tail.”
“Why on earth would it want to do that? What is it doing with the vegetables?”
“If I told you what it is doing with the vegetables, you wouldn’t believe me!”

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A doctor finished examining an old lady, then drew her son aside and said to him: “There’s nothing wrong with your mother. She’s just run down from working too hard in the fields. Give her some brandy before meals and she will pick up in no time.”
“But doctor, my mother never touches a drop of liquor.”
“In that case you have cows in your village, don’t you?”
“Yes doctor, we even have one of our own in our backyard.”
“That simplifies matters even further. Just tell her I gave you some medicine to mix with a cup of milk, to be taken before meals.”
The son agreed to do so and they returned to their village. Once there, the son followed the doctor’s instructions to the letter and the mother perked up amazingly within a few days.
She asked her son to add a little more of the doctor’s medicine to the milk. This the son did. Every few days she kept asking her son to increase the dosage until finally the brandy formed half of the mixture.
When the son gave it to the mother she drained the cup and with sparkling eyes turned to the boy.
“Where did this milk come from?” she asked.
“Why, from our own cow, mother.”
The old lady clutched his sleeve and said earnestly, “Then, for God’s sake, son, don’t ever even dream of selling that cow.”

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A woman patient was complaining to her doctor.
“Doctor, the medicine you gave me didn’t do me any good even though I strictly followed the instructions on the label.”
“Oh? And what did the instructions say?”
“They said, plain as day, ‘keep bottle cap tightly closed.’ “

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Autopsy report: “As far as can be determined, the patient died as a result of the autopsy.”